NVC AND SPIRITUALITY, PART II
Convenor: Robert Gonzales
Recorder: Robin Rose
Others Present: Many, known below as P (participant)
Robert: The heart of spirituality is a touch of Beingness beyond conceptualization. The beauty of NVC is that it helps people get out of their mind, into their heart, and into a place of authenticity and nonjudgementalness. But it still moves in the personal dimension, which can't come close to the Transcendent. I'm interested in a spirituality which includes and goes beyond the personal spirituality of NVC.
The ego is a mental phenomena is a complex organization of thoughts pertaining to the self. It includes self images, narratives, beliefs, etc. All of our personal history is ego. The Eastern traditions say it doesn't even exist, it is Maya, and needs to be transcended, there is only Being. Western traditions on the other hand don't acknowledge the existence of Being.
The concept of needs is the link, the doorway between the ego and the transcendent. But that doorway can reinforce the ego/personal needs. The ego is a conceptualization. A child starts in an undifferentiated matrix when he or she is one with mother. When a child goes through the necessary process of individuation and separation, that is a mental process. A system of conceptualizations gets created which becomes the basis of the self. The ego gives us a healthy sense of who we are.
My needs are either in service of ego or go to a quality of Being which is connection. I've gotten in a conflict with someone where their feedback to me indicated they didn't see me in the same way I see myself. In NVC I would say I'm feeling frustrated because I need understanding. But this need for understanding is a need in service of ego: the need serves to prop up the image I have of myself as a good person. The functions of the mind have to do with survival. In this case, what was threatened was my self-image. But when I tune into the need behind the self-concept that was wanting to be reinforced, I find that behind that is the need for connection. The need for connection doesn't reinforce my image of myself.
Any time we identify with "I am____ " (fill in the blank) , that isn't me. The other place, the transcendent can't be described as an I am something.
P: When you had that interaction with that woman, were you really experiencing a fear of going to a more raw and exposed place?
Robert: No. Fear is associated with an ego concept. the ego's concerned are based in fear. connection is based on love. We need to honor all the ego needs however because through emphasizing and connecting with them, we can get closer to a level of Being. Many people don't have a healthy sense of self and one needs to have a healthy self image in order to maneuver in life.
The purest connection we have is with Life, which is presenting itself in this moment, in every moment. I'm just here enjoying the flow. Then the needs we want met from others become much more basic.
I don't believe autonomy is a need. I already am an autonomous being. What I like is an acknowledgment of my autonomy. At the same time, I mostly live in my own personal needs. But I get to the spiritual flow by going through my personal needs.
P: Who is the one that wants the connection?
P: Does being have needs? No, it is whole and complete unto itself.
Robert: When we meet each others needs, it opens the door for us to connect with each other. It removes the obstacles which then reveals that we are already connected. There are no needs in this place, just obstacles. Our NVC language reveals the truth of an already existent reality. When we do that enough it gets to the place that bridges both worlds: love. Love transcends the boundary of you and me.
Robin: The way I see it is to follow the needs back to Source. The Being place is pure, without needs. But to the degree we have forgotten, the needs are like the pathway back. "Ego mediated" needs may be more forgetful, but they are still pathways.
Robert: When needs are really met, what happens is my Being is visible and I become consciously radiant. I am aliveness. It's OK that my need for respect is met. It feels good and I become more present. Spirit wants more presence. Pain and suffering is obstructed spirit.
P: There's a story about the seeker riding the donkey. When the seeker gets to the gate of his or her destination, s/he must get off the donkey. Only the heart gets you through. The donkey is the tool. The donkey is NVC.
Robert: "Using NVC" is being on the donkey. There is no NVC, there's only life and flowing. When you're in Being there are no needs, only the flow.
Robin: There's also the qualities of being. The Sufis have the 99 names of God: love, compassion, beauty, strength, Divine Will, and so on. When one connects to these qualities, through needs, then one comes closer to Source.
Robert: And when someone is expressing themselves, I don't judge them as being in ego needs or not, I just stay with the compassion, because in that moment, that being is engulfed in suffering.
I use two tools to help in this process. First is to ask, "Who is the one needing." (the ego). and the second tools is a contemplation, "What is my relationship to my need?" Do I have to have this need met right now or not? If there is any urgency? Is the expression of the need a demand and not a request?
Marshall once said, "I want my needs to be flowers for your table, not air for my lungs." My needs are a gift. It's something I want but I don't have to have it. Any thoughts of "I gotta have it!" get in the way of my needs as vehicles to being. All we can truly do with each other is give. There is a demand in pain of having to have it.